Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
You Might Also Like
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The government even made aliens boring
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
he chose this
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!