Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.