*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Netflix: We have Less
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”