I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
You Might Also Like
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
the official breakfast of 2021
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey