Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
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“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
What if the weather talks about us?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
When ur friends with white people
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶