Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.