“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.