interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I love it all
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.