My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
oh you wanna fight?!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?