One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
be careful
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.