My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
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Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.