What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.