the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
as is their right
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”