Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club