CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?