If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
You Might Also Like
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.