“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My typo game is string.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.