If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
welp
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.