typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time