Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex