“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
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If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope