Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
The first one, obviously
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Ferrari squats
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.