RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
@funTweeters
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.