I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.