A dead goose is called a ghoost
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I didn’t come here to be called names
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
#JohnTravolta
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!