Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.