My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*