“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
North and South
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant