[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
when there are deer in the woods
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting