Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
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[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”