Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
You Might Also Like
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.