My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Best spot.. 😅
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
that de-escalated quickly
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.