Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning