I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you