I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
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We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
✌️
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.