[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Note to self: I am a note
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.