HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
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i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.