I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
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Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
yall want some gasoline milk
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.