[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
You Might Also Like
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
uh oh
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder