guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?