You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.