AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs