A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
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SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.