I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday