I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I only treason on days ending in y
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.