This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?