[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.