murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 馃檨
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I can relate to Eminem because I鈥檓 also a black man trapped in a white woman鈥檚 body.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that鈥檚 a fair point – I guess it鈥檚 really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Hit me in the face with a bird
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.