me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
felt that
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening