I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS